Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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