You're my little dorito
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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