I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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