I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
