life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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