The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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