I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
