She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
