I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
