I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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