my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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