I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
