he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
