i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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