So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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