Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
