your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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