So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
