I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
