I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
