I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
