god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
