mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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