1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
