I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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