the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
