I hate your face
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
