i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You took a bar mat shot.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
