Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I cockslap morals
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
