I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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