please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
