just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
