My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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