he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
