a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
