I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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