I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
