i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
