That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
