im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
