The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
