I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
