last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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