We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
