At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
