He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
