no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
