the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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