Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
how drunk are you?
Several
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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