I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
