Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
