The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
