My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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