Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
