I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
