I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
