Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
